I would rather loose a leg then feel how I feel right now. Have I really completely lost my best friend and the person I have been in love with for two years.

I actually feel like everything is over, and I want it to be.

I feel about as good as someone who got stabbed in the heart, because basically thats how I feel.

I didn't know it was possible to get your heart broken about three times by the same person.
Fuck

I love how when you feel like you have no one and that everyone has turned their back against you, I'm one of those you fall back on. But when everything returns to normal you are no where to be found and I am the one that has to make all the effort. Its actually the most frustrating feeling in the world.

I can not handle this house anymore

Im trying so fucking hard to get over him.
Im done with all of this and those two wasted years of my life.


Hopefully school in september either way I'll be in toronto.
And I'm thinking of volunteering in Thailand for part of the summer but just thinking about that makes me so nervous

I can't believe im feeling the need to walk away from a 2+ year friendship with someone who above everything else was always my best friend. Because my stupied head is telling me it will make me better

I'm tired of being in love with him.
I'm tired of hoping.
I'm tired of his let downs.
I'm tired of his smile
and is eyes that ingolf me when I see him
I'm tired of his hollow words.
I'm tired of his hugs
and the cute things he says
I've grown sick of his mix cd that says on repeat every night so I can wake up to it in the mornings.
I'm sick of the fact that he knows I love him but wont to anything to sway me one way or the other.
I'm sick of not being able to show someone and share with the person I love those feelings.
Most of all im sick of him always coming to me saying I'm the only one he can truly depend on and am truly his best friend but feel like hes not proud to have me in his life and that I'm this little treasure that he wants to keep a secret.


I wish I could remember that one moment in time where everything turned from being so simple, so black an white to a prism of colour and confusion, of falsified hopes and broken dreams. Where everything became unclear.

I wish I didnt get so cranky yesterday but then I remembered that, that day two years ago you broke up with me on a text messaged.
I wish yesterday was as fabulous as I hoped it wouldnt have been.
But I also realised I wont fight for you anymore, I wont tell you how I feel anymore, I wont try to win you over. I've tried to hard for the past two years and it just ruins me everytime my hopes get crushed.

So know in relation with you, there are no hopes.

I get to see him tomorrow Im soo fucking nervous its unbelievable. I have a cousins dinner tonight in toronto and ill be staying at my sisters so I can meet Matt for noon. Ahhhh butterflies. This all has got to stop soon right? After two years it still shouldnt be like this every time I see him?

My aunt wants to pay for my apartment but I declined, I hate handouts. But maybe soon Im march or something ill take up her offer.

On another note I miss Jessica!!!!!! I hate that she lives in oshawa and I only see twice a month if im lucky. I think its going to have to change.


Now I have to call Erikah, get ready and go to my sisters apartment. Ill be back monday

OK I take it all back.
I just read into things and jump to conclusions about everything, well everything involving him.
I can not fucking wait to see him this weekend.